Anthony Freemont was a 6-year-old boy who would engage in serious problem behaviors if he did not get what he wanted. In fact, he could have destroyed much of the world. That was an episode of The Twilight Zone called “It’s a Good Life,” which aired 1961. Anthony had virtually unlimited power; just by thinking about it, he could turn people into different things, read minds, and change the weather. The show focuses on the complete fear in the adults willing to do anything to prevent Anthony from getting angry.
The story is familiar to me, as over the years I have frequently seen parents and school teams go to completely unreasonable lengths to prevent a child with severe problem behaviors from getting angry. A store is out of his favorite brand of mac and cheese, and the nearest store that carries it is 100 miles away? No problem. I can drive four hours to get it and be back in time for dinner. He doesn’t like anyone to wear green clothes? Everyone in the household gets rid of any green clothing. She wants to assign seats for everyone in the 3rd grade classroom? The teacher is happy to allow it.
I call this type of behavior from the adults “dancing between the raindrops.” The well-meaning adults in this type of situation are doing something very important. They are maintaining safety. If challenging any of these situations would cause dangerous behaviors like self-injurious behavior or aggression, “dancing between the raindrops” might be a completely reasonable temporary solution. Sometimes, I’ve seen “dancing between the raindrops” from adults even when the behavior isn’t very dangerous. Many people are just afraid of a tantrum. In the short term, this might prevent problems. But in the long-term, it is disastrous and will seriously limit the child’s options in life.
If you find yourself “dancing between the raindrops,” here are a few suggestions. First, understand that this is, at best, a temporary solution. Most likely, the behavior problem will require treatment, and is unlikely to improve on its own. Second, be sure not to be fooled by the data. The data might show low levels of problem behavior. But if it is based on “dancing between the rain drops” behavior, it will clearly be unsustainable and unlikely to maintain. Third, sometimes the adults might not even be aware of everything they are doing to prevent problem behaviors, and it will take some work to show them how important it is to address.
When counseling parents or school teams in this type of situation, I strongly encourage them to provide treatment for this behavior, as if it’s left untreated, it will very likely become worse over time. Sometimes, people are so afraid of the behavior, they decide against treatment, and are just happy that they have a system in place that is preventing problems. In my view, that is a serious mistake for the long-term best interest of the child.