When selecting alternative behaviors for children with severe problem behavior, a common strategy is to teach “coping skills.” Now teaching children coping skills can be an extremely important life skill. But as usual, the details matter a lot.
This classic Honeymooners skit does a nice job of explaining the problem with some coping skills instruction. Ralph learns a strategy to control his anger. First, say the phrase “Pins and Needles, Needles and Pins, a Happy Man is a Man Who Grins.” Then, put a big smile on your face and say, “What am I mad about?” You won’t be able to remember. But Ralph learns when you have a major stressor like the landlord raising the rent 15%, it is not that easy. I especially love when Norton attempts to prompt the coping skill. Ralph’s reaction is exactly what you’ll see many kids do when teachers attempt to prompt kids to use a coping skill.
Don’t try this at home. It doesn’t work. Sure, you may be able to talk yourself out of a minor annoyance from time to time with some “coping skills.” As a rule, though, trying to talk yourself out of negative emotions doesn’t usually work and can make the negative feelings more intense.
True coping skills involve teaching children how to manage emotions and respond in a way that consistent with your values, not avoid negative emotions. That’s very different from the way that these skills are often taught in practice.
Therefore, programs that emphasize teaching coping skills like relaxation training, deep breathing, and squeezing a stress ball are not likely to make much of a difference. They can be appropriate at times (e.g., as an alternative behavior that will be directly reinforced), but in my view, it is likely other aspects of the intervention that are doing the heavy lifting in making the program effective.